Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The end of what I thought was the beginning

Well I know it's been a while. I haven't felt like dealing with what has happened. So many things have gone on in my life and my head has been spinning.
One Katy is expecting, Two we moved into an house and Katy and Chason have joined us to save money and create some credit up. Three, my journey with my wonderful ip's have come to an end when we were just beginning again.
Stacie had her first u/s after only being on stims for a week. The u/s showed 3 follicles but there were more smaller ones too. The RE said he would have no issues working with her if this was her own cycle as he knows he would get her pregnant. Since it wasn't her own he wasn't sure this was the best case scenario for the ip's to have any to freeze. He was going to call them and discuss it with them but would most likely have her come back in two days. Well we got a call a short time later saying to stop meds they were going to look for a new ED. I was completely shocked to hear this. I just didn't understand how they would say not to take another look in a couple days before quiting so abruptly?
I called and spoke to my IF and he said since this was their last paid cycle with the clinic they didn't want to risk having nothing to transfer. I explained to them that Stacie offered to donate with no payment that day and if I got pg she then would get paid. If I didn't get pg then they didn't pay her. I also said why not just look again and see what's going on before say no? He said they were going to dinner that night and talk about it. It had a very bad morning with other things going on besides this and they needed some time.
The next morning I he sent an email saying they will not be going forward with this cycle and were now thinking of stopping our journey all together. I was so not expecting this. It was the last thing I expected from them as the whole time it's been nothing will stop us, we will continue until we get what we want and that is another baby. So I just couldn't understand what was going on. I knew they were hurt and just felt like things kept going wrong. But if the reason your not moving forward is to save the cycle they paid for then why are you now throwing it away? Why didn't we just take our chances with this one since all the money was spent on meds and their trip to come visit us? Why now after only one transfer with a pg that did happen from it, but just wasn't strong enough to continue? There was just too many things that have brought me to have more questions.
A couple days later I get another email saying sorry but we just need more time. They were going away for the weekend and will let me know what they are planning after that. So Monday came and I got the email that just blew me away, not even a call. It was an email saying thanks but we are just too emotionally drained after doing IVF for 10 years and having their daughter who is 5. They are just done.
I am hurt beyond words from this. I was so dedicated and waited for them to get things going for our second try. The loss was in May, We didn't get to start things until Sept again. I was patient and understanding about the timing for them. Now I feel so lost. I still haven't even wrote back to them. I thought I was worth a phone call. I  thought I was worth a better explanation than we are emotionally drained. I do feel bad for them. I do understand they are drained. I just don't get that answer though? There just seems to be something more and I wish I knew and understood. I like to the feeling that there are ways to fix it. I just don't know how to fix this. I really cared for them deeply and wanted to help them so bad.
Now here I am having to start over again. I didn't want to leave my self open to heartache again. It's not easy to find ip's now. I am not great on paper. I am judged by things that may be hard for some to over come but I know they don't cause me any troubles. I am older (40), I have had 3 csec, I have had gest. diabetes (controlled by diet), and 7 babies and my comp isn't outrageous but it's not a first timers comp either) I do have clinics that will work with me but mostly because they know me and see past those things. They know I have had a good history of getting pg. My peri who has delivered my last 3 surrogacies has cleared me to go. I take my pregnancies seriously. I take the whole journey seriously. I truly enjoy being a surrogate.

1 comment:

christy said...

i'm sorry friend.. sometimes it's hard for us to understand the sorrow and difficulties of others, just as it's hard for them to realize ours as well. it is neither fair nor easy for anyone. i do wish you all peace and maybe mutual understanding will come at a later time. but for now, remember you have us. :) everything does happen for a reason, i promise you that.