All my hopes, desires, dreams and wishes are GONE!! In such a quick swoop I am not able to be a surrogate. I am not able to see my dream to carry another child for a loving family. I am not able to feel a baby in side, the smiles of the parents when they see the heart beat, or the day of delivery to see their love full. I never once thought such a thing would happen now.
I have been healthy doing my best to take care of myself and was blind sided by pulmonary embolism. I have several clots in my left lung and the doctors are baffled that I had no prior signs.
Even that fact that I have birthed 7 babies, several surgeries, lots of hormones in that past years and still never had anything go wrong. Now that I was not pg for over 2yrs, no meds other than birth control for only a few months of being on it. They said really I should have had this with all the other stuff. So it's tricky I guess.
I called the RE he said it was making no sicne that it's happened now and my peri says the same thing. Both said if I had a disposition to having them I would have had them with any of the pregnancies or cycles of meds.
I now have to have extra testing with the oncologyst who is worrkied I may have something else starting. Cancer. Said he has had a few patients who had no major factors as myself and who ended up getting some form of cancer. Said with my age and having nothing bothering me perhaps a mamo should be done. The only down side is the said it can take maybe 6 months until we know if it's that or longer.
My life has taken a complete 180 to this damn thing inside of me. I was such happy go and free loving person. I feel I am not living in fear. Fear my time is limited. Fear to move wrong, Fear of dying. I hate this feeling. It's not who I am and I don't want it to take me over. I want the old me back.
I want to see things half full not empty. I hate seeing the fear in my families eyes.
I hate worrying how to pay bills since I am not working. I want to work but I am afraid to do that too. I want to dream of going to WDW again and plan a trip but that has been taken from me as I will never have the money to do it. I will never feel that hope the way I use to.
PE has taken it from me. I want it back!!! I want to get past this. I don't want to be on blood thinners all my life. I don't want to worry I will bleed out or something stupid just from a darn paper cut. These are not the shots I planned on taking. I don't want it. I hate it.
I feel nobody knows just how bad I feel inside. I feel I need to stay strong for everyone else as it's my burden you know. I don't want to break down and cry in front of them.
I pray to God I get myself back. I want to be me again. I turn 42 next month and it's something I use to take advantage of as just another birthday. This one isn't this one is about me still living and praying I make it to many more.