It's all ended

All my hopes, desires, dreams and wishes are GONE!! In such a quick swoop I am not able to be a surrogate. I am not able to see my dream to carry another child for a loving family. I am not able to feel a baby in side, the smiles of the parents when they see the heart beat, or the day of delivery to see their love full. I never once thought such a thing would happen now.
I have been healthy doing my best to take care of myself and was blind sided by pulmonary embolism. I have several clots in my left lung and the doctors are baffled that I had no prior signs.
Even that fact that I have birthed 7 babies, several surgeries, lots of hormones in that past years and still never had anything go wrong. Now that I was not pg for over 2yrs, no meds other than birth control for only a few months of being on it. They said really I should have had this with all the other stuff. So it's tricky I guess.
I called the RE he said it was making no sicne that it's happened now and my peri says the same thing. Both said if I had a disposition to having them I would have had them with any of the pregnancies or cycles of meds.
I now have to have extra testing with the oncologyst who is worrkied I may have something else starting. Cancer. Said he has had a few patients who had no major factors as myself and who ended up getting some form of cancer. Said with my age and having nothing bothering me perhaps a mamo should be done. The only down side is the said it can take maybe 6 months until we know if it's that or longer.
My life has taken a complete 180 to this damn thing inside of me. I was such happy go and free loving person. I feel I am not living in fear. Fear my time is limited. Fear to move wrong, Fear of dying. I hate this feeling. It's not who I am and I don't want it to take me over. I want the old me back.
I want to see things half full not empty. I hate seeing the fear in my families eyes.
I hate worrying how to pay bills since I am not working. I want to work but I am afraid to do that too. I want to dream of going to WDW again and plan a trip but that has been taken from me as I will never have the money to do it. I will never feel that hope the way I use to.
PE has taken it from me. I want it back!!! I want to get past this. I don't want to be on blood thinners all my life. I don't want to worry I will bleed out or something stupid just from a darn paper cut. These are not the shots I planned on taking. I don't want it. I hate it.
I feel nobody knows just how bad I feel inside. I feel I need to stay strong for everyone else as it's my burden you know. I don't want to break down and cry in front of them.
I pray to God I get myself back. I want to be me again. I turn 42 next month and it's something I use to take advantage of as just another birthday. This one isn't this one is about me still living and praying I make it to many more.

quick change in date

It's been moved up a week. We are expecting transfer on or around the 17th! Well this throws a wrench in my plans as my BFF may deliver that week. Hmmm? Oh well I have a date and I am excited!

A Transfer date

So I had a message from the clinic today. They said they had some dates and wanted to know which would work. One possible transfer date was Feb 24 or March 1st. I think Feb. 24 sounds good to me. Even though it does ruin my hopes of joining some Dis Diva's at Disneyland. I will take the transfer over that.
So I will call them back tomorrow as they were closed already and give them the go ahead.
Now I also better make sure my BFF has the baby before then as I don't want to miss it and I may have to have her come with as my DH may have a new job and will not be able to join me.
It's also just after my Bday on the 15.

I'm almost ready

So I was told my testing is all good and now they need Tyson to have his done. So I just got his lab slip and we shall go today!! Wow things seem to be moving forward!! Getting very excited too. I have to talk to the RE on Friday! I hope to have some dates to report after that.

Oh and I wanted to share some cute Christmas pictures of my grand kids. They are so darn cute. Poor Tristen didn't want his picture done with the big guy though.

What? I may be getting testing soon...

Ok so remember way back when I had a couple from England that wants me to be there GS? Well guess what? After what seems to have been a long wait, well it was a long wait. They now have been cleared by their new clinic in Connecticut and I should be getting my testing set up soon. I have already been given an RX for birth control so this is improvement.lol
I spoke to the nurse Jill and she called my rx in and said they are just waiting for them to go over my records and  let me know what I need done. So maybe some time this week I may have some more news.
It's been like 3 months. The agency had to get things done between the ip's and me, then the we had to set up a consult but they were on vacation. Then I get that then it was waiting on the old clinic to set up a consult with the ip's. That took another 3 weeks. Then a week later I find out they aren't going to use him after all and are now looking a new one. I then find out they found one but had to wait a couple weeks for the new consult. That was done on Thanksgiving and now things are on the go. They just have to get me and the ED on the same schedule too. Gosh I wonder how long this will be?

Had a dream about my TS surro bub

So my TS surro bub is turning 16 in April. I have never met him since they left a few days after birth. I do have contact with his family and I respect their choices. They have said for years and years they are going to tell him and each time she says she's going to tell him it's going to be soon and expect a knock at the door as she is sure he will want to come meet me and "his sisters'. Those are her words.
Years have gone by and she still hasn't said anything. I just figure one day she will be I am worried how he will handle it.
Well now they are expecting a baby girl in just a few weeks with their new TS. As of a month ago mom says she still hasn't said anything and planned to when dad was home, he travels a lot, but then the bad weather happened in Va. where the live and they had flooding. Then dad had to leave again.
I was like really your about to bring home a baby and he has no clue still? She said when dad gets back they will sit him down to tell him.
Does this mean they haven't even set up a nursery for the new baby?
I am so worried how he will react I am dreaming about it. I just don't want him to be upset with me or his parents. I feel he will. She says no he will be fine. Well how can she be so sure? She hasn't ever had to find out her parents weren't her birth parents. He will not be prepared to here this I am afraid.
Ugh!! I adore them I really do but they are not seeing the full picture. I know I have no clue how he will be either as I don't know him. I just don't know anything.

And here I sit

Things seem to be all about wait and see. It's either for one reason or another. So I sit and wait for things to come. What is meant to be will be.

On top of all the waiting my father in law passed away. He has been fighting cancer for a long time. We even went to see him on what was to be his death bed way back in July. He defied the doctors by getting better and getting out of the hospice and going home. He did very well too. The cancer didn't get better though. So he went in for chemo on Wed.  10/26/11 and passed on Wed. 11/2/11. He was loved by two sons, two grand daughters and two great grand kids. Not to mention me and lots of friends.
My poor husband is heart broken to find out he left his things to an ex girlfriend but not much we can do about that. He did what he wanted I guess. So we will be left with memories and nothing to pass down.