Monday, January 30, 2012

Starting over in another direction

So my mind is more clear now and I am feeling better. The pain isn't there all the time like before. It's easier to see things now that I am past that part, I hope. I don't want to continue to worry about the what ifs but to think of what I have.
I am so very lucky to have survived what I did. I know this now. I didn't realize it before. I have a loving husband. We have been together over 23 years. Two amazing daughters. To which are great moms to the best grand kids I could ever ask for. My family who has been incredibly supportive and trying to help me in any way they can. Friends who have brought me lots of fun times and check in on me to make sure my spirits are high. And two of the best IMs a girl can ask for.
I still have a long road ahead but I will make the best of it. I will learn and hopefully teach others. I am returning to work Wed. I can't wait. I asked to return today but since my not says the 1st I have to wait. Oh well just two more days. I need to do this to feel more normal.
Tyson has been asked two times to come for an interview but both times the GM has had something come up and rescheduled. She said to try tomorrow. UGH. I hope so.
So maybe this year will get better. Did I mention my 42 bday is coming up. Feb 15. I am looking forward to having another year of life and family to love.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

It's all ended

All my hopes, desires, dreams and wishes are GONE!! In such a quick swoop I am not able to be a surrogate. I am not able to see my dream to carry another child for a loving family. I am not able to feel a baby in side, the smiles of the parents when they see the heart beat, or the day of delivery to see their love full. I never once thought such a thing would happen now.
I have been healthy doing my best to take care of myself and was blind sided by pulmonary embolism. I have several clots in my left lung and the doctors are baffled that I had no prior signs.
Even that fact that I have birthed 7 babies, several surgeries, lots of hormones in that past years and still never had anything go wrong. Now that I was not pg for over 2yrs, no meds other than birth control for only a few months of being on it. They said really I should have had this with all the other stuff. So it's tricky I guess.
I called the RE he said it was making no sicne that it's happened now and my peri says the same thing. Both said if I had a disposition to having them I would have had them with any of the pregnancies or cycles of meds.
I now have to have extra testing with the oncologyst who is worrkied I may have something else starting. Cancer. Said he has had a few patients who had no major factors as myself and who ended up getting some form of cancer. Said with my age and having nothing bothering me perhaps a mamo should be done. The only down side is the said it can take maybe 6 months until we know if it's that or longer.
My life has taken a complete 180 to this damn thing inside of me. I was such happy go and free loving person. I feel I am not living in fear. Fear my time is limited. Fear to move wrong, Fear of dying. I hate this feeling. It's not who I am and I don't want it to take me over. I want the old me back.
I want to see things half full not empty. I hate seeing the fear in my families eyes.
I hate worrying how to pay bills since I am not working. I want to work but I am afraid to do that too. I want to dream of going to WDW again and plan a trip but that has been taken from me as I will never have the money to do it. I will never feel that hope the way I use to.
PE has taken it from me. I want it back!!! I want to get past this. I don't want to be on blood thinners all my life. I don't want to worry I will bleed out or something stupid just from a darn paper cut. These are not the shots I planned on taking. I don't want it. I hate it.
I feel nobody knows just how bad I feel inside. I feel I need to stay strong for everyone else as it's my burden you know. I don't want to break down and cry in front of them.
I pray to God I get myself back. I want to be me again. I turn 42 next month and it's something I use to take advantage of as just another birthday. This one isn't this one is about me still living and praying I make it to many more.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

quick change in date

It's been moved up a week. We are expecting transfer on or around the 17th! Well this throws a wrench in my plans as my BFF may deliver that week. Hmmm? Oh well I have a date and I am excited!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A Transfer date

So I had a message from the clinic today. They said they had some dates and wanted to know which would work. One possible transfer date was Feb 24 or March 1st. I think Feb. 24 sounds good to me. Even though it does ruin my hopes of joining some Dis Diva's at Disneyland. I will take the transfer over that.
So I will call them back tomorrow as they were closed already and give them the go ahead.
Now I also better make sure my BFF has the baby before then as I don't want to miss it and I may have to have her come with as my DH may have a new job and will not be able to join me.
It's also just after my Bday on the 15.